Parenting without "Shoulds"

If you’re feeling stressed or unhappy about how you are doing as a parent then I'll bet things are not going the way you think they “should” be going. Maybe your baby doesn’t easily respond to your efforts at soothing, or perhaps your 10 month old kicks and cries when you attempt to change his or her diaper. Maybe your toddler never remembers to put the toys back in the toy-box. The more fixed our ideas are about the way things “should” be, the more disappointed we are with our children and ourselves.

The word "mindfulness" is used a lot these days, mostly in connection with meditation, eastern religion and the practice of yoga. But while the latter are ways to cultivate mindfulness they are not mindfulness itself. Mindfulness itself is a kind of attitude. It involves awareness in the present moment without judgment. For instance, imagine noticing that your house is a mess; toys everywhere and dishes piled in the sink. You may be saying to yourself, “Jeez, I should be able to keep up with this. What is wrong with me? I should be more organized, less lazy…etc. etc.” Not a pleasant feeling right? Now imagine you simply notice what needs to be done without the “shoulds”. Maybe you tell yourself, “Wow, we sure made a mess today. Let’s see, maybe I can get at least some of it done while the kids are napping.” Can you see the difference in the two reactions? Quite simply, one is a put down of self and the other isn’t. While it may be stressful to be faced with a messy house, the stress is multiplied when we add self-judgment to the mix. To be observant and attentive without judgment opens the door to acceptance, openness, and empathy for self and others.

So next time you feel yourself stressing out, listen to what you’re saying, aloud or to yourself and try dropping the "should" statements. You’ll feel better and get just as much or more accomplished.