HOLIDAY ADVICE: JUST SAY NO

 

During the holiday season many of my clients who have young babies find themselves face-to-face with the, sometimes daunting, expectations of well meaning friends and relatives.  

The old “go with the flow” style of meeting other people’s needs and expectations is no longer workable when you are sleep deprived and stressed to the max with a new baby.  Nobody seems to get it and everyone expects you to do what you’ve always done, whether it’s hosting 40 people or traveling 400 miles.  Everyone wants to see you and the baby, making it hard to say NO even though your knees shake and your pressure goes up just thinking about it.

As women we are accustomed to making concessions in order to make others happy.  If I had a nickel for every woman who has sat in my office saying “I really don’t want to…but I have to” I’d be a rich woman.  Whenever we say YES when we’d rather say NO there is a price to pay.  Think ahead.  Consider the obstacles, the stress factor, the anger and resentment you might feel because you are doing something you don’t want to do. 

If ever there was a time to for-go pleasing others, take care of yourself and shrug your shoulders in response to those who just don’t get I, this is it.  So give yourself a gift this holiday season.  

       JUST SAY NO.

Coping With Uncertainty

 

Having a baby brings up a myriad of unknowns about baby and self and especially self in relation to baby.  How will I feel?  Will I know what to do?  Can I make my baby happy and contented?  Every new baby is a mystery.  Even if you’ve already had six children, number seven will have to be figured out anew.

While every baby is unique they basically have the same repertoire.  They get hungry, wet, poopy, gassy, excited, sleepy, bored, and sometimes just plain crabby for no apparent reason.  Each baby is a little bundle of sensory reactivity and every baby reacts to all of the above by crying. It’s what they do. 

There is probably nothing that causes new moms more self-doubt and anxiety than hearing and seeing their little one cry.  It cuts right to the core of our need for certainty and mastery.  But soothing a baby is a process of trial and error especially during those first few months. No matter how much you read or prepare for the new baby, there is no way around this learning curve. 

So don’t panic.  Don’t have unrealistic expectations of yourself and don’t be ashamed to ask for help.  Soothing a baby is sometimes hard and nerve-wracking work.  But one thing you can be certain of is that when it comes to babies, nothing stays the same.  They change and they change us.  Embrace the challenge and the mystery with acceptance and curiosity.

Happy Holidays: Reflections, December 2011

For several years I have specialized in helping women cope with the various problems that may arise in connection with pregnancy, birth, or the lack of either.

I’ve learned a lot about the latest medical wisdom regarding baby care (I last gave birth in 1983). Instead of colic, babies now have GERD; instead of putting them to sleep on their tummies, they are safest on their backs; swaddling is recommended and loose blankets over sleeping babies are ill advised.

The new technologies of IVF and IUF are amazing, as are the brave women who choose to go down that road in order to have a child. I’ve learned about the NICU at Stony Brook Hospital and the miraculous medical advances that save the lives of the tiniest infants.

I’ve seen the many faces of grief, and the triumph of resilience. All in all, I feel privileged to have the opportunity to share this exciting time of life with such a broad range of people.

Wishing you all a happy healthy holiday season and the very best in 2012

Treatment of Depression during pregnancy-Dont wait!

 In my practice, I find that there are so many issues on the the minds of pregnant women and sometimes anxieties that they don't know the cause of but keep them tossing and turning at night.  What makes it even more baffling and upsetting is that this is true even though  the pregnancy may be welcome and thrilling.   Some women fear that talking about an issue will make it more real and therefor worse,  while others may feel ashamed of the thoughts and feelings they are having.  For these reasons and more the tendency is to wait and hope that things will spontaneously get better.  The obvious consequence of this is that things get worse and mild to moderate anxiety or depression becomes severe.

This past Fall (2009), the American Psychiatric Association and The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists joined forces to review the existing data regarding treatment of depression in pregnant women and make recommendations. Because there can be consequences to taking medication and also to untreated depression, the report emphasized the need for decisions to be made on a case-by-case basis.  It's no wonder doctors and their patients may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. However, one finding was clear, that talk therapy should be the first-line treatment for mild to moderate depression in pregnant women.

So don't let mild symptoms reach crisis proportions.  Talking with a competent mental health professional can shed new light on dark issues, which is why I urge women and the doctors who treat them to choose action over non-action.  It's always a better choice.

The Joys of Being a Hands on Dad

What I call a “hands on dad” is one who changes diapers, bathes, comforts and generally tends to the needs of their baby at least some of the time. Traditionally moms do these tasks more often then dads and in many cases she’s home while dad is out working. But most dad’s are home some of the time and whenever they are they owe it to their wives, their babies and most especially to themselves to participate in this care taking.

Infants are basically a bundle of need; they need to be fed, bathed, dressed, soothed, etc. It’s through these tasks that we bond with them. So while it may seem only natural for mom to be tending to these needs, even when dad is at hand and in fact your baby may protest the change, there are at least three reasons to persist.

One reason is simply that by not doing these things you are missing out on the beautiful experience of creating a strong bond with your child. Secondly, by sharing this part of parenting you maintain and strengthen the bond with your wife. The third reason is that at some point mom may be unavailable. Unforeseen events can and do occur.

So my strong advice to men is to roll up your sleeves, put aside old -fashioned notions and be a part of this very magical, if fleeting, phase of parenting.

The Best Layed Plans

When a couple is contemplating parenthood, they often make decisions about how they will handle life with children; who will work, how household tasks will be divided, will one parent or the other be a full-time parent, what kind of outside childcare will be used, will mom breast- feed, etc. Planning is good, and it's fun. But be prepared to amend and possibly radically change those plans once the dream of parenthood is a reality.

The truth is that you really don't know how you will feel in any future scenario, much less one as life altering as having a baby. The more able you are to accept uncertainty the better off you will be. Entering into the business of parenthood takes courage, a good sense of humor and most of all adaptability.

Expect the unexpected, roll with the punches and keep an open mind.

What's a Doula?

A Doula is a trained professional who comes into your home to provide care, nurturing, empowerment and education to women and their families before, during or after the birth or adoption of a new baby. They perform a broad array of tasks from household chores to caring for other children in the home or just giving mom a break so she can get some much needed rest. They also give classes on topics of interest to expectant and new moms.

This is a wonderful service. If it existed 26 years ago when I became a new mom, I certainly didn't know about it. So spread the word!

For more information about Doulas check out:
www.dona.org
www.lidoulas.com